AFTER GOOGLING AFFIRMATIONS FOR ABUSE SURVIVORS
You have a fundamental right to a nurturing
environment. Oh, what a home I have
built in my skull. What a dark, savage
forest. There is no furniture, no artisan
humanity. No gentle place to undress
my own thoughts.
You are a valuable human. I think about death
too often. I eat peanut butter with my
fingers. I pee in the shower. I am
a mouthful. Not a swallow. Not a bird
or a name gone sour in his mouth.
If you allow yourself to be mistreated, you are
teaching that it is okay for others to
abuse you. And look at this shining
curriculum! The lessons I have been
prepping for months! Now, class,
take out your inner child. Tell her
she is so selfish. Tell her she shouldn’t
have eaten the last of the truffles.
Tell her to take a good long look
at love: her father gripping the throat
of the payphone.
You cannot assume responsibility or accept
blame for any abusive behavior. I am
so sorry so sorry sorry so sorry he is
so sorry sorry sorry so so sorry again
and again the conductor lifts her baton
and the musicians tilt their horns and
the song begins again.
You do not have to feel guilty for allowing others
to take care of themselves. But what
do I do with all this leftover love?
My hands were built for crawling on.
How do I write myself gently? How
do I not worship the shipwreck that
stranded me here?
You are not a failure or less of a person because
you make mistakes. I am not a failure
or less of a person because I make
mistakes. I write this until my hand
becomes a beggar. I write this until
the words no longer sound like words,
only sounds, and I can believe them now.
Your higher power is transforming your brokenness
and gently carrying you from darkness
into light. I believe in gentleness. Lord,
I believe in light. I am my own higher
power. I will carry myself out.